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Jokes

Teethbrush Back
Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Maine. Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion. They all agree it was simple deduction, "if it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."

The Anniversary Back
As they cut the cake for their 75th anniversary, the old man nuzzled the old lady's ear and whispered: "Darling, there's something I've wanted to ask you all these years. Our eleventh child never did look like his brothers and sisters. Did he have a different father?"
The old lady lowered her eyes and murmured, "Yes dear, he did." The old man just stood there for a while without saying a word. Finally, he asked, "Who was it?" The old lady said softly, "You, dear."

The Baptism Back
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests." "I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" "Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

The Closet Back
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It sure is dark in here, isn't it?
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little boy says firmly.
The man considers the position he is in for a moment. "Uh, I see. You're right, I do want to buy the ball. How much?"
Twenty-five dollars," the little extortionist replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but then shakes his head and complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places him in the closet with her little boy.
"It sure is dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much this time?" the hiding lover responds.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says,
"Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"What did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear about lizards and candy and preparing a lecture about how valuable the baseball and glove were.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness!" The father hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It sure is dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit again," says the priest.

The Drinker Back
An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell again -- right on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results. Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him, shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

The Elevator Back
A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw!"

The Frog and the Hamster Back
A mangy looking guy who went into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender said: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy said, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a
drink?"
The bartender said, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué."
"Deal!" said the guy and reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a hamster. He put the hamster on the bar and it ran to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumped on the key board and started playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster was really good.
The bartender said, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."
The guy downed the drink and asked the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle - else no drink", said the bartender.
The guy reached into his coat again and pulled out a frog. He put the frog on the bar, and the frog started to sing. He had a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar ran over to the guy and offered him $300 for the frog.
The guy said "It's a deal." He took the three hundred and gave the stranger the frog. The stranger ran out of the bar. The bartender said to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", said the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

The Genie Back
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an Old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really
want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

The Gravy Ladle: Back
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the
housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper
than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my
relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Love, John

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which went:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But
the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom

The Reverend John Fuzz Back
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he
happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The Reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the Reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she had to much to drink and he
grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the Reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar!"
The Reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, Well, hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

The Rules Back
THE RULES
1. The female always makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said.
7. If rule #6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must never change his mind without expressed written consent from the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must never, under any circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
14. If the female has pms, all rules are null and void.

THE RULES
1. The male creates all the rules.
2. These rules are just like driving, no female will ever master them.
3. If the male suspects the female knows some of the rules, just agree with her and laugh it off. (She doesn't have a clue.)
4. The male is always king.
5. When watching television, the male always controls the remote.
6. When driving on trips, the male is allowed to take any short cuts without getting permission, or asking directions.
7. While watching sporting events, the male is not to be interrupted unless there is food or beer involved.
8. Whenever the male changes clothes, where they fall is where they belong.
9. When a male has a day off, there are no rules.
10. The female will never truly understand male bonding.

The Senior Driver Back
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" Back
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . .
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Things Not to Say at Victoria's Secret      Back
     #10    Does this come in children's sizes?
     #9     No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
     #8     I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
     #7     Mom will love this.
     #6     Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
     #5     No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
     #4     Will you model this for me???
     #3     The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
     #2     45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
     And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
     #1     Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

Things to think about: Back
If you play a blank tape at full blast, would a mime go nuts?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $-.-- per minute.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit!!
Why are there - syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
When you erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Tell a man that there are --- billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If you go to a bookstore and ask the salesperson, "Where's the self-help section?" wouldn't that defeat the purpose?

Things You'll Hear Only in the South... Back
Exclamations...
"Well, knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats...
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments...
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."

The Weather...
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot "

Descriptions...
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
He ran "like his feet was on fire and his ass was a-catchin"
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults...
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
(any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart)

This Couple Back
There's this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go up and take a shower....so the guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out to the upstairs bathroom window,
"Where's the rake?" She can't hear him, so he points to his eye [I], points to his knee [need] and then makes raking motions.
"What?" she yells.
So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like she gets it and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her ass and then rubs her crotch. Her husband is somewhat confused, but totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom.
"What did you say?"
She says, "I said: eye, left tit, behind, the bush.

Thoughts of Wisdom Back
"To get something done, a committee should considt of no more than three people, two of whom are absent."
* Robert Copeland
"Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspcious."
* B. C. Forbes
"Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue."
* Roger C. Anderson
"There is a time in the life of every problem when it is big enough to see, yet small enough to solve."
* Mike Leavitt
"In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on."
* Robert Frost
"If you see a bandwagon, it's too late."
* Sir James Goldsmith
"The only limits are, as always, those of vision."
* James Broughton
"A consultant is someone who saves his client almost enough to pay his fee."
* Arnold H. Glasgow
"I wear my wife's eyeglasses because she wants me to see things her way."
* Jayson feinburg
"The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve
to collect."
* Sam Ewing
"Good friends are good for your health."
* Irwin Sarason
"Without music, life is a journey through a desert."
* Pat Conroy
"Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures."
* H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other."
* Laurence J. Peter
"Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom."
* Gen. George Patton
"The manner in which it is given is worth more than the gift."
* Pierre Corneille
"People can earn a living by accident; but learning to live is an art."
* Earl Work
"If you want to test your memory, try to remember what you were worrying about a year ago today."
* E. Joseph Cossman
"Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions."
* A. A. Latimer
"Knowledge is gained by learning; trust by doubt; skill by practice; and love by love."
* Thomas Szasz
"If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done."
* Michael S. Traylor
"Two important things are to have a genuine interest in people and to be kind to them. Kindness, I've discovered, is everything."
* Isaac Bashevis Singer
"I never learn anything talking. I only learn things when I ask questions."
* Lou Holtz
"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."
* Elbert Hubbard
"A man's greatest strength develops at the point where he overcomes his greatest weakness."
* Elmer G. Letterman
"It's hard to detect good luck-It looks so much like something you've earned."
* Fred A. Clark
"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you."
* Elbert Hubbard
"There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house."
* Joe Ryan
"The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable."
* Paul Dean
"The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night's sleep."
* E. Joseph Cossman
"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."
* Mae West
"Those who agree with us may not be right but we admire their astuteness."
* Cullen Hightower
"What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork."
* Pearl Bailey
"A cloudy day is no match for a sunny disposition."
* William Arthur Ward
"If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies."
* Helen Castle
"If you want to truly understand something, try to change it."
* Kurt Lewis
"A stumble may prevent a fall."
* English proverb
"The moment of a victory is much too short to live for that and nothing else."
* Martina Navratilova
"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another."
* Walter Elliott

Three Pints a Day Back
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

Three Women Golfing Back
Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a
trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes..". The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank
you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or
better! The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world...The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him..." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me...". So, poof - she's
the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you..". The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine...". So, poof - she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack..."

To My Darling... Back
TO MY DARLING WIFE:
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of about once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
49 times the sheets were clean; 17 times it was too late; 44 times you were too tired; 9 times you had a headache; 15 times it was too hot; 5 times it was too cold; 15 times you pretended to be asleep; 4 times you had a mud pack on; 10 times you had a headache; 9 times you had a backache; 5 times you had a toothache; 7 times you were sunburned; 38 times you weren't in the mood; 7 times you had the giggles; 9 times the baby was crying; 3 times you were too full; 5 times you said you were too sore;
19 times you had to get up early; 3 times you said the neighbours would hear us; 9 times you said your mother would hear us;
11 times you had to go to the bathroom; 17 times you were afraid of waking the children; 6 times you were watching the late show; 3 times there was company in the house; 6 times you didn't want to mess your hair and 12 times it was the wrong time of the month...
and Of those 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory as 2 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling; 5 times you chewed gum the whole time; 4 times you watched TV over my shoulder; 18 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with; 6 times I had to wake you up and tell you we were through and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DARLING HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat; 36 times you didn't come home at all; 21 times you didn't come; 33 times you came too soon; 19 times you went soft before you got it in; 10 times your toes were in a cramp; 38 times you worked too late; 29 times you had to get up early and play golf; 2 times you were in a fight and got kicked in the balls; 4 times you had a cold and your nose kept running; 2 times your coffee was too hot and you burned your tongue; 2 times you had a splinter in your finger; 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day; 98 times you were too busy watching football on TV and;
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book.
Of the times we did it together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and you were fucking the sheets; I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" And the time you felt me move
was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Today's Top Story Back
Democrats are considering changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because a condom stands up to inflation, halts
production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

Top 10 Signs Your Dog Is More Intelligent Than You Back
10. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day
9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room
8. Ice floating in toilet water
7. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep
6. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing plant
5. You can never find the leftovers
4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel
3. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job.
2. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover"
1. Your apartment keys no longer work

Top 10 Ways Microsoft Would Change The Auto Business Back
10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
8. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced bya single 'General Car Fault' warning light.
6. Sun Motor Systems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought aCar95 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.
3. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept
this as normal.
2. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.
1. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other car makers for years!

Top 10 Worst Cartoon Characters Back
#10- Tweety Bird - You know there's a problem when every single kid roots for the "hero" to be devoured in each episode. No sense of humor. No personality. Annoying voice. Plus he was always tattling. I knew kids like this growing up. Most of them ate paste, sat in the front of the bus, and got me in trouble.
#9- Grape Ape - A real moron. All he knows how to say is his name. And he does so non-stop for a half an hour. I'd rather watch "Davey and Goliath covet their neighbours model airplane."
#8- Olive Oyl - Am I the only one out there who thought this was one lady NOT worth fighting over? And that's what they did every episode! She talks like Edith Bunker and looks like a pipe cleaner with a cheap hat. Hey, Popeye, you're a sailor... you can do better! Plus Olive can never decide if she wants to date that jerk Bluto or not. The girl is just bad news.
#7- Petunia Pig - Remember her? Porky's girlfriend? She was a real zero. What was the point of her anyway? To make Porky
look good? Come on, who did they think they're fooling. We all know Porky is gay.
#6- Pebbles & Bam-Bam, as teenagers - What were they thinking? Were they trying to cash in on the "Joanie loves Chachi" thing? And how come every cartoon teenager plays in crumby rock band? An awful and thankfully short-lived idea.
#5- Pepe LePew - Hello, Warner Brothers, ever heard of sexual harassment? Let's take a good look at this character; a horny, rapist skunk who's attracted to other species! NOT good for the kids. Plus, worse still, he's French.
#4- Alan, from Josie and the Pussy Cats - How weak was this "Fred" clone? They even gave him an ascot, for crying out loud. Well, I knew Fred. I grew up with Fred. Fred was like a friend of mine. Let me tell you something... you're no Fred.
#3- Zan and Jana, the Wondertwins - How many times do we have to say it? Leave the crimefighting to the professionals! "Form of... an idiot!" They should have been voted out of the Hall of Justice a long time ago. There's no room for dead weight in this game.
#2- Kazoo, from the Flintstones - It's like "Hmmm, a miniature, green spaceman who appears only to Fred Flintstone isn't enough of a stretch.... I know! Let's give him a snotty London accent!" Um, could I get a drug test from Hanna Barbera, please?
#1- Scrappy Doo - And, really, who else COULD it be? This guy ruined Scooby Doo! Just came in and ruined it! Scrappy is the Yoko Ono of Saturday morning cartoons. I can't even talk about it anymore. It's too upsetting.

Top 20 sayings we'd like to see on those Office Inspirational Posters Back
-Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
-If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
-Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
-Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
-Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
-A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
-Plagiarism saves time.
-If at first you don't succeed, try management.
-Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
-TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
-The beatings will continue until morale improves.
-Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
-We waste time, so you don't have to.
-Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
-Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
-A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
-When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
-INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
-Succeed in spite of management.
-Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's Back
22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors.
4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:
1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

Travel Agency Terminology Back
TOUR GUIDE TERM ........... TRANSLATION
Old world charm .......................Room and a path
Tropical ....................................Rainy
Majestic setting .........................A long way from town, at end of dirt road
Options galore ..........................Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ...................Directions to locate unclear
Some budget rooms ..................Sorry, already occupied
Explore on your own .................At your own expense
Knowledgeable trip hosts ..........They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ............................No extras
Nominal fee ..............................Outrageous charge
Standard ...................................Sub-standard
Deluxe ......................................Barely Standard
Superior accommodations..........One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap
All the amenities ........................Two chocolates, two shower caps
Plush ........................................Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes
Gentle breezes ..........................In hurricane alley
Light and airy ............................No air conditioning
Picturesque ...............................Theme park nearby
24-hour bar ...............................Ice cubes at additional cost (when available)

Travel Stories      Back
The following are (supposedly) actual stories provided by travel agents:
    A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
    I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
    A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He
replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
    I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
    Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
    A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
    A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage
that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
    I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
    A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
    A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
    A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

Try Saying... Back
It has been brought to the Executive Committee's attention that some associates have been using foul language during the course of conversations with managers. Due to complaints received from some managers, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your thoughts and feelings when communicating with managers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases is being provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without the risk of offending the more sensitive managers.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with ...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in that file.
INSTEAD OF: Its not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?!?!
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die motherfucker.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fire me if you want but I'm not fucking doing it.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!!!!
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think it would help if you reviewed the case law on this issue.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Urban Legends Back
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

Wedding Night Back
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My darring, I know dis you firt time and you flighten... I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?"
"I wanna numma 69," she replies.
"You wanna beef with bloccoli?!"

Whales Back
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
The female was reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with you on the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"

What Did You Say? Back
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."

Windy Back
Two farmers were boasting about the strongest kind of wind they'd seen."Out here in California," said one, "I've seen the fiercest wind in my life.You know these giant redwood trees? Well, the wind once got so strong, it bent them right down."
"That's nothing," said the other.
"Back on my farm in Iowa, we had a terrible wind one day that blew a hundred miles an hour. It was so bad one of my hens had her back turned to the wind and she laid the same egg six times."

Words of wisdom from Dilbert Back
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

You Are An 80's Child If Back
- You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.
- You know what a "burnout" is.
- You wanted to be on StarSearch. (Come on, we all did)
- You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off. Or even when he had those freaky eyes in "Thriller" at the end of the video.
- You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wrist bands at some point during your youth.
- You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on it's ass.
- You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."
- You HAD to have your MTV.
- You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off."
- You can name at least half of the members of the elite "Brat Pack."
- You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer."
- You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future."
- You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name."
- You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool. (Was there an 80's movie she WASN'T in?)
- You know what "Sike" means.
- You fell victim to 80's fashion: big hair, god-awful fashion plus accessories.
- You wanted to be a Goonie ("Goonies never say die.")
- You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie, but you couldn't see it because your parents wouldn't let you.
- You felt ashamed when Rob Lowe got in trouble for having sex with minors and videotaping it, because you liked him.
- You've heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
- You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince."
- You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to be.
- You ever wore flourescent -neon if you will clothing...(or nailpolish)
- You could breakdance, or wished you could.
- You know who Max Headroom is.
- You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system. (Remember Pong)
- You own any cassettes.
- You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
- You remember and/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from Pizza Hut.
- Poltergeist freaked you out.
- You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
- You wish you were alone now with Tiffany.
- You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
- You watched Jem religiously, desperately wanted those red flashy earings, wanted to communicate with some being named Cinergy, or you wanted green hair like that lead singer of the Misfits.
- You know what a Doozer is.
- You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.
- You ever had a Swatch Watch.
- You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the care-bear stare.
- You had a crush on one of the Coreys (Haim or Feldman).
- You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
- You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
- You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
- You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"(Damned straight!)
- You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
- You know what a "Whammee" is. ("No Whammy, no whammy, stop!!")
- Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend, are a"Child of the 80's."

You Know...      Back
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY TOO LONG WHEN:
    -Your potted plants stay alive.
    -Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
    -You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
    -6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
    -You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
    -You carry an umbrella.
    -You watch the Weather Channel.
    -Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
    -You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
    -Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
    -You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't turn down the stereo.
    -Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
    -You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
    -Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
    -You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
    -Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
    -You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
    -Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
    -MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
    -You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
    -A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
    -You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
    -Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi,and Ho-Ho's.
    -"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
    -Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
    -You don't get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a bar.

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