Old Timer Sex      Back
There was this really old guy at an old timer's dance who hadn't  had any sex for a long time.  He'd been dancing with all the Grandmas all night and still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached an old woman and said, "I'm having no luck scoring with a woman.  How about coming back to my place for some sex. I'll give you 20 bucks."
She said "I'm willing.  Let's go!"
They got back to his place and after a bit of foreplay, they headed for the bedroom.  He loved the sex and couldn't get over how tight she was for such an old woman.  He swore to himself that she had to be a virgin. After the wonderful performance, he rolled off of her and said,
"Wow,Lady...If I had known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks."
Surprised, she said "If I had known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
 

Only In America...      Back
Only in America. . . can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America. . . are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America. . . do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
Only in America. . . do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.
Only in America. . . do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America. . . do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage.
Only in America. . . do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America. . . do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America. . . do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well, "Poli" in latin meaning  "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".
Only in America. . . do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!
Only in America. . . do we have Walmarts (K Mart) that are open 24 hours with locks on the doors.
 

Polish Air Disaster     Back
Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326  bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
 

Prison and Work      Back
IN PRISON    You spend the majority of your time in a 8 X 10 cell.
AT WORK    You spend most of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle.
IN PRISON    You get three meals a day.
AT WORK    You only get a break for 1 meal, and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON    You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK    You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON    A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK    You must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON    You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK    You can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON    You get your own toilet.
AT WORK    You have to share.
IN PRISON    They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK    You cannot even speak to your family and friends
IN PRISON    All expenses are paid by tax payers with little or no work required.
AT WORK    You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON    You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK    You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON    There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK    Ditto, but they are called Managers.
 

Proverbs     Back
A 4th grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest.  Here is what the kids came up with:
Better to be safe than........................................punch a 5th grader
Strike while the...................................................bug is close.
It's always darkest before.................................daylight savings time
Never underestimate the power of..................termites.
You can lead a horse to water but ..................how?
Don't bite the hand that.....................................looks dirty.
No news is...........................................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a.......................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog...............................math.
If you lie down with dogs, you........................will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust......................................................me.
The pen is mightier than...................................the pigs.
An idle mind is...................................................the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's..........................pollution.
Happy is the bride who....................................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is..............................................not much.
Two is company, three's..................................The Musketeers.
None are so blind as.........................................Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not...................spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed............................get new batteries.
You get out of something what you..............see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind........................get out of the way.
There is no fool like..........................................Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and ....you have to blow your nose.
 

Proxy Father      Back
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off.  The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.  "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.  Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.  But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.  I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.  "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."  The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so.  I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.  People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too.  The mother was constantly squealing and yelling.  I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.  Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?".
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.  Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted !!"

 
Rats      Back
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.  Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.  The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand for the story behind it."
"At that price, you can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the bronze rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him.  By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars... following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the  rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but  millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of  rats twelve blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he  jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm,  while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can throw  it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah sir, you've come back for the story,"  says the owner.
"No," says the tourist,  "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer "
 

Redneck Medical Terms      Back
Benign............................What you be after you be eight.
Artery.............................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..........................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium...........................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan..........................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize........................Made eye contact with her.
Colic..............................A sheep dog.
Coma.............................A punctuation mark.
D&C.............................Where Washington is.
Dilate..............................To live long.
Enema............................Not a friend.
Fester.............................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula..............................A small lie.
Genital............................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series.......................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.........................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.........................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff..................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid...........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..........................Cheaper than day rates.
Node..............................I knew it.
Outpatient.......................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear......................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis..............................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative................A letter carrier.
Recovery Room..............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum...........................Damn near killed him.
Secretion........................Hiding something
Seizure...........................Roman emperor.
Tablet............................A small table.
Terminal Illness..............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor............................More than one.
Urine..............................Opposite of you're out
Varicose.........................Near by/close by
 

Redneck Ode to his Valentine      Back
Kudzu is green,
my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv youanyway.

You're as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
I'm plumb outta my wits.

Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant
Upon which I oft' tread.

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it's a new ridin' mower.
 

Rent Payment      Back
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note: "Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1.      It had never been occupied;
2.      There was plenty of heat;
3.      It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply: "Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinintely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."
 

Say This      Back
It has been brought to the Executive Committee's attention that some associates have been using foul language during the course of conversations with managers.  Due to complaints received from some managers, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your thoughts and feelings when communicating with managers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases is being provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without the risk of offending the more sensitive managers.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with ...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in that file.
INSTEAD OF: Its not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?!?!
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die motherfucker.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fire me if you want but I'm not fucking doing it.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!!!!
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think it would help if you reviewed the case law on this issue.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
 

Screwing      Back
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.  He's a  pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door,  the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby  replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.  Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I  hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately  revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out  the front door.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes  back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her  father:
"DAMMIT, DADDY!  THE TWIST!!  IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
 

She Was So Blonde That....      Back
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice? Because it said "concentrate"
Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to retrain.
What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.
Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.
What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4-way stop
What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.
What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This goes in front"
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? "OH, LOOK !! Donut seeds!!"
 

Ships      Back
The following is a transcript of a night time radio conversation between a U.S. Naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
US NAVY SHIP:"Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid collision"
CANADIAN REPLY: " Recommend you divert Your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision"
US NAVY SHIP:"This is the Captain of The U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course"
CANADIAN REPLY: No, I say again, divert YOUR course"
US NAVY SHIP:"This is the aircraft carrier USS Missouri. We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!"
CANADIAN REPLY:"This is a lighthouse......Your call"
 

Sick Sayings      Back
Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.
Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If you can read this, please flip me back over...
Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.
Feel safe tonight ... Sleep with a cop.
Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
GUYS: No shirt, no service.  GALS: No shirt, no charge.
If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut??
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
Axe me about Ebonics
Boldly going nowhere
Cat: The other white meat
CAUTION - Driver legally blonde
Don't be sexist - broads hate that!
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition. Actually the correct saying should be "Driver only carries $20 in ammunition, WARNING!  That's all he needs."
What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted
 

Sign Language      Back
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. To do sign language, the man on the 3rd floor points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says,"What the fuck is wrong with you, dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"
The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."
 

Subject:  5 Toughest Questions      Back
The 5 toughest questions that women ask men and the answers;
The questions are:
      1. What are you thinking about?
      2. Do you love me?
      3. Do I look fat?
      4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
      5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1:
What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
>> > >      a. Baseball.
>> > >      b. Football.
>> > >      c. How fat you are.
>> > >      d. How much prettier she is than you.
>> > >      e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
>> > >      (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
>> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question # 2:  Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is In order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
>> > >      a. I suppose so.
>> > >      b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
>> > >      c. That depends on what you mean by love.
>> > >      d. Does it matter?
>> > >      e. Who, me?
>> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question # 3:  Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
>> > >      a. Compared to what?
>> > >      b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
>> > >      c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
>> > >      d. I've seen fatter.
>> > >      e. Moo!
>> > >      f. Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
>> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question # 4:  Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
>> > >      a. Yes, but you have a better personality
>> > >      b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
>> > >      c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
>> > >      d. Define pretty
>> > >      e. Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
>> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question #5:  What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.  (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.")  No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
>> > >      WOMAN: Would you get married again?
>> > >      MAN:   Definitely not!
>> > >      WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
>> > >      MAN:   Of course I do.
>> > >      WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
>> > >      MAN:   Okay, I'd get married again.
>> > >      WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
>> > >      MAN:   Yes, I would.
>> > >      WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
>> > >      MAN:   Where else would we sleep?
>> > >      WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
>> > >      MAN:   That would seem like the proper thing to do.
>> > >      WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
>> > >      MAN:   She can't use them; she's left-handed.