Gary's Homepage\Jokes

Jokes

English Back
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.
"We need to talk" = I need to complain.
"Sure go ahead" = I don't want you to.
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"You're so manly" = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs.
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep.
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like.
"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me.
"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead.]
"Was that the baby?" = Your turn to get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
"I'm not yelling!" = I am yelling because I think this is Important.
"The same old thing" = Nothing
"Nothing" = Everything
"Nothing, really" = It's just that you're such an asshole.

MEN'S ENGLISH:
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you, and I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

Fire Dogs Back
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Five Great Lessons Back
1. Most Important Question
During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile
and say 'hello'. "I've never fogotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2. Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 p.m. an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her - generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxi cab. She seemed to be in a big hurry! She wrote down his address, thanked him and drove away. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached.
It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes but my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole"

3. Always remember Those Who Serve
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?"
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it. Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient.
"How much is plain ice cream?"
"Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely.
The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed. When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the talbe and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - her tip.

4. The Obstacle in our Path
In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock.
Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. On approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, henoticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many others never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve one's condition.

5. Giving Blood
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Stanford Hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5 year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the anitbodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save Liz". As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice "Will I start to die right away?" Being young, the boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood.

Four Catholic ladies Back
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

From November 1998 issue of Maxim magazine Back
If men really ruled the world:
-Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
-Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
-Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
-When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
-Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
-Birth control would come in ale or lager.
-You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
-Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
-The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
-"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
-At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
-It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
-Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
-Tanks would be far easier to rent.
-Garbage would take itself out.
-Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
-Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
-Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
-On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
-St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
-Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
-Two words: Ally McNaked.
-Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
-The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
-The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
-It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
-Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
-When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
-Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
-The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
-People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
-Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
-Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation

Getting Even With The Nerds Back
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

God Back
Two men having a conversation:
First Man: "When did you realize you where God?"
Second Man: "Well, every night I would pray to God. After awhile I realized I was talking to myself."
"I see!" said the psychiatrist.

Golf Back
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man. You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

Golf Lesson Back
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatsoever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball
toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

Haircuts Back
Women's Version:
Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cuuuuute!
Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 2: Oh no, it's perfect! I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this style, I think.
Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute on you. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 2: Oh, now *that's* funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Woman 2: Do you think so? Oh, you're just saying that!
Woman 1: No! Really, I mean it...

Men's Version:
Man 2: Haircut?
Man 1: Ummhmm.

Horse and Chickens Back
Once upon a time there were a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran away. The chicken ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's >> > > 633csi BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!" The chicken just said, " don't mention it -That's what friends are for!!" They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barnyard.
A few days later, the horse got up from a goodnight's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene: There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope insight. And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my dick and I will pull you to safety!" With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-dick and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground,exhausted: "Now You saved my life, my friend!!" The horse just smiled.
And what is the moral of this story?
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

I Did Not Back
I DID NOT DO IT IN A CAR
I DID NOT DO IT IN A BAR
I DID NOT DO IT IN THE DARK
I DID NOT DO IT IN THE PARK
I DID NOT DO IT ON A DATE
I DID NOT EVER FORNICATE
I DID NOT DO IT AT A DANCE
I DID NOT GET INTO HER PANTS
I DID NOT GET BEYOND FIRST BASE
I DID NOT DO IT IN HER FACE
I NEVER DID IT IN A BED
IF YOU THINK THAT, YOU'RE MISLED
I DID NOT DO IT WITH A GROAN
I DID NOT DO IT ON THE PHONE
I DID NOT CAUSE HER DRESS TO STAIN
I NEVER BONKED SADDAM HUSSEIN
I DID NOT DO IT WITH A WHIP
I NEVER FONDLED LINDA TRIPP
I NEVER ACTED REALLY SILLY
WITH VOLUNTEERS LIKE KATHLEEN WILLEY
THERE WAS ONE TIME, WITH MARGARET THATCHER
I CHASED HER 'ROUND, BUT COULD NOT CATCH HER
NO KINKY STUFF, NOT ON YOUR LIFE
I WOULDN'T EVEN WITH MY WIFE
AND JENNIFER FLOWERS' TALE OF WOES
WAS PAID FOR BY MY RIGHT-WING FOES
AND PAULA JONES, AND THOSE STATE TROOPERS
THEY'RE JUST A BUNCH OF PARTY POOPERS
I DID NOT ASK MY FRIENDS TO LIE
I DID NOT HANG THEM OUT TO DRY
I DID NOT DO IT LAST NOVEMBER
BUT IF I DID, I DON'T REMEMBER
I DID NOT DO IT IN THE HALL
I COULD HAVE, BUT I DON'T RECALL
I NEVER DID IT IN MY STUDY
I NEVER DID IT WITH MY DOG, BUDDY
I NEVER DID IT TO SOX, THE CAT
I MIGHT HAVE, ONCE, WITH ARAFAT
I NEVER DID IT IN A HURRY
I NEVER GROPED MS. BETTY CURRIE
THERE WAS NO SEX AT ARLINGTON
THERE WAS NO SEX ON AIR FORCE ONE
I MIGHT HAVE COPPED A LITTLE FEEL
BUT NEVER DID THOSE THINGS SO LEWD
AT LEAST, NOT EVER IN THE NUDE
THESE THINGS TO WHICH I HAVE CONFESSED
THEY DO NOT COUNT, IF WE STAYED DRESSED
IT NEVER HAPPENED WITH A CIGAR
I NEVER DATED MRS. STARR
I DID NOT KNOW THIS LITTLE SIN
WOULD BE RETOLD ON CNN
I BROKE SOME RULES MY MAMA TAUGHT ME
I TRIED TO HIDE, BUT NOW YOU'VE CAUGHT ME
BUT I IMPLORE, I DO BESEECH
DO NOT CONDEMN, DO NOT IMPEACH
I MIGHT HAVE GOT A LITTLE TAIL
BUT NEVER, NEVER DID INHALE

I hate when this happens.... Back
Roger was a hard-working guy whose evenings were spent playing volleyball and bowling. For his birthday, his wife took him to a strip club. The bouncer at the door said,"Hi, Roger, good to see ya again.
"The wife asked, "Have you been here before?"
Roger said, "Oh no, he's on my bowling team!"
A waitress came to their table and said, "Hey Roger, the usual?"
The wife said, "Are you sure you've never been here before?"
"No, no, hon," Roger protested. "I know her from volleyball!"
A stripper came over, threw her arms around him and said, "Another lapdance tonight, Roger?"
The wife leaped to her feet and stormed out. Roger followed, saw her getting into a cab and leaped inside before she could slam the door.
Furious, she let him have it with both barrels. When she paused for breath, the taxi driver said, "Boy, you picked up a real bitch tonight, Roger!"

Intelligent Life Back
Two aliens landed in the desert. They walked until they came to an old gas station. One of the aliens walked up to one of the gas pumps and said, "Take us to your leader." Of course, the pump did nothing. The alien again demanded, "Take us to your leader!" Again, nothing.
The alien became upset and whipped out his ray-gun. "Take us to your leader, or I'll zap you!" The other alien yelled, "NO! NO! NO!DON'T!!" But, it was too late, and the first alien zapped the gas pump. The gas pump blew up, and the aliens were blown miles away. When they came to, the first alien asked the second alien how he knew that he shouldn't zap the "earthling." The second alien said, "With all of the galaxies I've traveled to and worlds I've visited, I've learned that anyone who can wrap his penis around his body and stick it in his ear is someone you DON'T want to mess with!"

Iraqi Prime Time Television Schedule Back
MONDAYS:
8:00 - Husseinfeld
8:30 - Mad About Everything
9:00 - Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 - The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
10:00 - Allah McBeal

TUESDAYS:
8:00 - Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 - The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right
9:00 - Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things
9:30 - Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - U.S. Military Secrets Revealed
8:30 - When Kurds Attack
9:00 - Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah
9:30 - Just Shoot Me
10:00 - Veilwatch

THURSDAYS:
8:00 - Matima Loves Chachi
8:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 - My Two Baghdads
10:00 - Diagnosis: Heresy

FRIDAYS:
8:00 - Judge Saddam
8:30 - Funniest Super 8 Home Movies
9:00 - Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things
9:30 - Achmed's Creek
10:00 - No-witness News

Jerry Back

Life Savers Back
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. One day, the teacher brought in a great variety of Lifesavers candies, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these", said the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey Lifesavers in their mouths, all of the children were stumped. "I'll give you a hint", said the teacher. "It's something your Mommy probably calls your Daddy all the time". Instantly, one child spat the Lifesaver candy out of his mouth and yelled, "Spit 'em out, you guys! they're assholes!"

Like A Pig Tail Back
Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Ted said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Ed said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Ted said.
"Straight, like normal," Ed said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Ted said.
Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" Ted said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal."
"Cripes," Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

Little Freddie Back
Little Freddie was at school and looked very uncomfortable so the teacher asked him if something was wrong. He said yes there was, that he had been circumcised and that it hurt. She told him to go see the principal that maybe he could help. He was gone such a long time that she went to look for him and found him standing in the hall with his penis sticking out. She asked him what he was doing and he said he was doing what the principal had told him.
"What did he tell you"?
"He said if I could stick it out till noon I could go home".

Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks Back
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to *bruise* the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one*s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can*t hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say *yes* to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

Martian Sex Back
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Men and Woman Back
There are beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

Messages that should be on buttons... Back
1. Who are these kids and why are they calling me dad?
2. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
4. This isn't an office. It's Hell with floursescent lighting.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
7. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
8. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
9. And just how may I screw you over today?
10. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil.
11. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
12. Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and them name streets after them.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
15. A cubicle is nothing more than a padded cell with a door.
16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
17. Not all people are annoying. Some are dead.
18. Anbivalent? Well, yes and no.
19. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic. Except for my friends deep inside the earth.
20. Earth is full. Go home.
21. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
23. I majored in English Literature. Will that be for here or to go?

Mind Be Gone Back
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!" Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

Mischeivous Brothers Back
There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the rabbi to talk with the boys and he agreed. The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the younger to the rabbi. The rabbi sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the rabbi pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, then said nothing. Again, louder, the rabbi pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you, where is God?" The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble." The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'" His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG trouble. God is missing and they think we did it !!!"

Home