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Jokes

51 Days Back
Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots. They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell " Only 51 days!" The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by Only 51 days. One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug. "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us Only 51Days.....and on the box it said 4-7 years"

88 Ways to Know If You're Chinese...      Back
1.   You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year.
2.   You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off.
3.   When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.
4.   You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table.
5.   Your stove is covered with aluminum foil.
6.   Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.
7.   You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time.
8.   You use the dishwasher as a dish rack.
9.   You have never used your dishwasher.
10. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
11. You boil water and put it in the refrigerator.
12. You eat all meals in the kitchen.
13. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.
14. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
15. You always leave your shoes at the door.
16. You have a piano in your living room.
17. Your parents know how to launch nasal projectiles.
18. You iron your own shirts.
19. You play a musical instrument.
20. You pick your teeth at the dinner table (but you cover your mouth).
21. You twirl your pen around your fingers.
22. You hate to waste food
       a. Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them.
       b. You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.
23. You don't own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars.
24. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses.
25. You've eaten a red bean popsicle.
26. You bring oranges (or other produce) with you as a gift when you visit people's homes.
27. You have a collection of minature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
28. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or come in plastic packets, which you save/steal every time you get take out or go to McDonald's.
29. Ditto paper napkins.
30. You never order room service.
31. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes)...These travel snacks are always dried. As in not just dried plums, dried ginger, and beef/pork jerky, but dried cuttlefish (SQUID).
32. You own a rice cooker.
33. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.
34. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table. (That's why you need the vinyl tablecloth).
35. Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin oranges that their guests just brought just to be courteous.
36. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
37. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.
38. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or law.
39. When you go to a dance party, there are a wall of guys surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool.
40. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old and they prefer it that way). Or if you're married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same neighborhood.
41. You don't use measuring cups.
42. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
43. You beat eggs with chopsticks.
44. Your parents' house is always cold.
45. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
46. You reuse teabags.
47. You have a drawer full of old pens, most of which don't write anymore.
48. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman if you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera.
49. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling Information costs 50 cents.
50. You don't tip more than 10% at a restaurant, and if you do, you tip Chinese delivery guys/waiters more.
51. You're a wok user.
52. You only make long distance calls after 11pm.
53. You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurants.
54. You like Chinese films in their original undubbed version
       a.   You love Chinese Martial Arts films.
       b.   Shao Lin and Wu Tang actually mean something to you.
55. You have acquired a taste for bittermelon.
56. You like congee with thousand year old eggs.
57. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached-it means they're fresh.
58. You never call your parents just to say hi.
59. You always cook too much.
60. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
61. Also, if you don't live at home, your parents always want you to come home.
62. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick.
63. When you're sick, they also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they produce hot air (yeet hay in Cantonese).
64. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.
65. Your parents never go to the movies.
66. Your parents send money to their relatives in China.
67. You use a face cloth.
68. Your parents use a clothes line.
69. You're always late.
70. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.
71. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat sushi.
72. You've joined a CD club at least once.
73. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics.
74. You never discuss your love life with your parents.
75. Your parents are never happy with your grades.
76. You save your old Coke bottle glasses even though you're never going to use them again.
77. You keep used batteries.
78. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
79. You keep most of your money in a savings account.
80. You own an MJ set and possibly have a room set up in the basement.
81. You know what MJ means.
82. You've been on the Love Boat or know someone who has.
83. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
84. You say "whie" when awnsering your cell phone.
85. You are familiar with the term "aiee yah...".
86. You know what moon cakes are.
87. All your parents furniture is covered with towels.
88. You know why this list consists of only "88" reasons.

A women desperately looking for work goes into Irwin. Back
The Personel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personel Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to
the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personel Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personel Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sowing them between Elmo's legs. The personel managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

Actual label instructions      Back
Actual label instructions on consumer goods - examples of why the human race has evolved as far as we have:
On Sears hairdryer:
    Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
    You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
    Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
    Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
    Fits one head. (The big one or the little one?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box)
    Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
    Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
    Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
    Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just keep those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
    Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
    Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
    For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a Japanese food processor:
    Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
    Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
    Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (have a lobotomy)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
    Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's Superman costume:
    Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

Adam Back
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you.One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.
The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

Adam and Eve Back
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, " 'What is a 'caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "'Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

Americans vs Japanese Back
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action. The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem....

An 80's Love Story Back
I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was Mr. Magee. He was six foot four and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I was happy to be stuck with him. One manic Monday, while I was busy working for the weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper. He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name. Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him to say say say what he wants, but don't play games with my affection. He told me it was hard for him to say he's sorry and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the rain. He was so out of touch. It just took my breath away. I couldn't fight this feeling any longer. I asked him "What's love got to do with it?" He told me to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car. So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went home and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the number) She was on the other line with Amanda. They were talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I had just called to say I love her. She told me she had been saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a new love - asta la vista, baby. I thought "I can't go for that - no can do! Bring me a higher love!" I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would want to get physical all night long (all night). First I called Billie Jean - she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna - her sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen! ... no answer. Nobody told me there'd be days like these! I was feeling like the owner of a lonely heart. Then, out of the blue, my best friend's girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne. She told me she still hadn't found what she's looking for and that she wanted to take on me. I said "I thought you were Jessie's girl." She said "Don't you want me? You don't have to put on the red light - I'm on my own." What a feeling! I had the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else. She's a beauty! She blinded me with science, and weird science at that. There was always something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I'd have the time of my life. I wasn't about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her street) I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this rapper's delight, i heard a voice say "Who can it be now?" "Here I am, the one that you love", I replied. I let my love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes. I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time. She loosened her blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!" Well, I felt it was my prerogative to bust a move. I told her "I'll tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf. Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder. "Turn around bright eyes!" said a familiar voice. As I did, Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right round like a record. He was hangin' tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my wings - broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight, for old time's sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. "You don't owe me money for nothing!" he snarled. At this point I was livin' on a prayer. I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a knife - how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn. No longer do I want to know what love is. Love stinks.

Another Fight Back
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with my wife."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?
Before Harvey had time to answer, his wife entered the bar and swiftly interjected:
"I said: 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel'".

Betting Old Lady Back
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.
"Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:
"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada president's balls in my hand."

Boob Back
When God created woman, she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"
She replied, "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?"
And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"
So God created man.

Brain Transplant Back
The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."

Breast Milk Back
A test in Life Science....... The student -- not necessarily a well-prepared student -- sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.
The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary. Um. So far so good -- maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.

Buckwheat & Darla Back
Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."
Now spell "stupid".
Darla says "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands and says "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Buckwheat replies, "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."

Butticons      Back
(_!_)      a regular ass
(__!__)    a fat ass
(!)        a tight ass
(_._)      a flat ass
(_^_)      a bubble ass
(_*_)      a sore ass
(_!__)     a lop-sided ass
{_!_}      a swishy ass
(_o_)      an ass that's been around
(_O_)     an ass that's been around even more
(_x_)     kiss my ass
(_X_)     leave my ass alone
(_zzz_)    a tired ass
(_o^o_)   a wise ass
(_E=mc2_)   a smart ass
(_13_)     an unlucky ass
(_$_)     Money coming out of his ass
(_?_)   Dumb Ass

Carjacking - Suposedly True Back
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required.... so get out of the car. The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four/five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly white woman....no charges were filed.

CEO Back
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Chinese Ebonics Back
Are you harboring a fugitive?(Hu Yu Hai Ding?)
Approach me. (Kum Hia)
Stupid Fellow (Dum Gai)
Small horse ( Tai Ni Poni)
Prices are too high here ( No Bai Dam Ting)
Miami vacationing agreed with you (Ya Mai Ti Tan)
I bumped into a coffee table ( Ai Bang Mai Ni)
Have you considered a face lift? (Chin Tu Fat)
You try saving electricity? (Wai So Dim?)
Unauthorized execution (Lin Ching)
Inquiry to determine if bus is due ( Hao Long Wei Ting?)
Plaything belonging to ancient emperor (Ming Toy)
You're blowing your diet ( Wai Yu Mun Ching?)
Keep out of the pond ( Noh Wei Ding)
Tow-away zone ( No Pah King)
Don't you know anything by Cole Porter? ( Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?)
You are not very bright ( Yu So Dum)
I have a press pass (Ai No Pei)
I don't deserve the death penalty ( Wai Hang Mi?)
You're suffering from chronic halitosis ( Yu Bai Sen Sen Nao)
Remain out of sight ( Lei Lo)
Cleaning automobile (Wa Shing Cah)
Did someone fertilize the field? ( Hu Flung Dung?)
Your body odor is offensive (Shu Man Go)
They are approaching ( Hia Dei Kum)

Christian Bear Back
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.
"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"
That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet.
"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive . . ."

Computer Gender      Back
A pastor of a church had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that ships are addresses as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two group of computer experts.
The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computer
should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendations.
The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
    1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
    2. The have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
    3. The are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
    1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
    3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Computer Jargon Back
Computer.
Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU.
Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's owered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's a Pentium and a ferret on speed if it's a Pentium II.

Default Directory.
Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

Error message.
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

File.
A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware.
Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

Help.
What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

Death Back
There were three guys that died and went to heaven.
The first went up and then God said, "You have committed adultery so you shall own a bike."
The second guy comes up and God says, "You have almost Committed adultery so you shall own a motorcycle."
The third guy goes up and then God says, "You have only thought about adultery so you shall get a Porsche!"
The first guy comes up to the man in the Porsche and starts laughing and the man in the Porsche asks, "Why are you laughing? You only got a bike!"
The guy on the bike says, "I just saw your wife on a skateboard!"

Doctors Visit Back
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

Dog Property Laws Back
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.) [Hey ladies, we men just laugh lovingly at how adorable you look when you throw... as long as it's not a shoe.]
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog [The author doesn't know *my* dog.]
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

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