Brain Transplant     Back
The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"  "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."
 

Life Savers      Back
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. One day, the teacher brought in a great variety of Lifesavers candies, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these", said the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey Lifesavers in their mouths, all of the children were stumped. "I'll give you a hint", said the teacher. "It's something your Mommy probably calls your Daddy all the time". Instantly, one child spat the Lifesaver candy out of his mouth and yelled, "Spit 'em out, you guys! they're assholes!"
 

Doctors Visit      Back
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."  "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"  "You're going to die," she replied.
 

Jerry      Back

 

88 Ways to Know If You're Chinese...      Back
1.   You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year.
2.   You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off.
3.   When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.
4.   You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table.
5.   Your stove is covered with aluminum foil.
6.   Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.
7.   You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time.
8.   You use the dishwasher as a dish rack.
9.   You have never used your dishwasher.
10.  You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
11.  You boil water and put it in the refrigerator.
12.  You eat all meals in the kitchen.
13.  You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.
14.  You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
15.  You always leave your shoes at the door.
16.  You have a piano in your living room.
17.  Your parents know how to launch nasal projectiles.
18.  You iron your own shirts.
19.  You play a musical instrument.
20.  You pick your teeth at the dinner table (but you cover your mouth).
21.  You twirl your pen around your fingers.
22.  You hate to waste food
       a.  Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them.
       b.  You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.
23.  You don't own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars.
24.  You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses.
25.  You've eaten a red bean popsicle.
26.  You bring oranges (or other produce) with you as a gift when you visit people's homes.
27.  You have a collection of minature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
28.  The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or come in plastic packets, which you save/steal every time you get take out or go to McDonald's.
29.  Ditto paper napkins.
30.  You never order room service.
31.  You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes)...These travel snacks are always dried. As in not just dried plums, dried ginger, and beef/pork jerky, but dried cuttlefish (SQUID).
32.  You own a rice cooker.
33.  You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.
34.  You spit bones and other food scraps on the table. (That's why you need the vinyl tablecloth).
35.  Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin oranges that their guests just brought just to be courteous.
36.  You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
37.  Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.
38.  You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or law.
39.  When you go to a dance party, there are a wall of guys surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool.
40.  You live with your parents and you are 30 years old and they prefer it that way). Or if you're married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same neighborhood.
41.  You don't use measuring cups.
42.  You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
43.  You beat eggs with chopsticks.
44.  Your parents' house is always cold.
45.  You have a teacup with a cover on it.
46.  You reuse teabags.
47.  You have a drawer full of old pens, most of which don't write anymore.
48.  If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman if you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera.
49.  You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling Information costs 50 cents.
50.  You don't tip more than 10% at a restaurant, and if you do, you tip Chinese delivery guys/waiters more.
51.  You're a wok user.
52.  You only make long distance calls after 11pm.
53.  You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurants.
54.  You like Chinese films in their original undubbed version
       a.   You love Chinese Martial Arts films.
       b.   Shao Lin and Wu Tang actually mean something to you.
55.  You have acquired a taste for bittermelon.
56.  You like congee with thousand year old eggs.
57.  You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached-it means they're fresh.
58.  You never call your parents just to say hi.
59.  You always cook too much.
60.  If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
61.  Also, if you don't live at home, your parents always want you to come home.
62.  Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick.
63.  When you're sick, they also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they produce hot air (yeet hay in Cantonese).
64.  You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.
65.  Your parents never go to the movies.
66.  Your parents send money to their relatives in China.
67.  You use a face cloth.
68.  Your parents use a clothes line.
69.  You're always late.
70.  You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.
71.  You starve yourself before going to all you can eat sushi.
72.  You've joined a CD club at least once.
73.  You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics.
74.  You never discuss your love life with your parents.
75.  Your parents are never happy with your grades.
76.  You save your old Coke bottle glasses even though you're never going to use them again.
77.  You keep used batteries.
78.  You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
79.  You keep most of your money in a savings account.
80.  You own an MJ set and possibly have a room set up in the basement.
81.  You know what MJ means.
82.  You've been on the Love Boat or know someone who has.
83.  Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
84.  You say "whie" when awnsering your cell phone.
85.  You are familiar with the term "aiee yah...".
86.  You know what moon cakes are.
87.  All your parents furniture is covered with towels.
88.  You know why this list consists of only "88" reasons.
 

Little Freddie      Back
Little Freddie was at school and looked very uncomfortable so the teacher asked him if  something was wrong.  He said yes there was, that he had been circumcised and that it hurt.  She told him to go see the principal that maybe he could help.  He was gone such a long time that she went to look for him and found him standing in the hall with his penis sticking out.  She asked him what he was doing and he said he was doing what the principal had told him.
"What did he tell you"?
"He said if I could stick it out till noon I could go home".
 

Rats      Back
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.  Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.  The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand for the story behind it."
"At that price, you can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the bronze rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him.  By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars... following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the  rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but  millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of  rats twelve blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he  jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm,  while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can throw  it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah sir, you've come back for the story,"  says the owner.
"No," says the tourist,  "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer "
 

Top 10 Worst Cartoon Characters      Back
#10- Tweety Bird - You know there's a problem when every single kid roots for the "hero" to be devoured in each episode. No sense of humor. No personality. Annoying voice. Plus he was always tattling. I knew kids like this growing up. Most of them ate paste, sat in the front of the bus, and got me in trouble.
  #9- Grape Ape - A real moron. All he knows how to say is his name. And he does so non-stop for a half an hour. I'd rather watch "Davey and Goliath covet their neighbours model airplane."
  #8- Olive Oyl - Am I the only one out there who thought this was one lady NOT worth fighting over? And that's what they did every episode! She talks like Edith Bunker and looks like a pipe cleaner with a cheap hat. Hey, Popeye, you're a sailor... you can do better! Plus Olive can never decide if she wants to date that jerk Bluto or not. The girl is just bad news.
 #7- Petunia Pig - Remember her? Porky's girlfriend? She was a real zero. What was the point of her anyway? To make Porky
look good? Come on, who did they think they're fooling. We all know Porky is gay.
 #6- Pebbles & Bam-Bam, as teenagers - What were they thinking? Were they trying to cash in on the "Joanie loves Chachi" thing? And how come every cartoon teenager plays in crumby rock band? An awful and thankfully short-lived idea.
 #5- Pepe LePew - Hello, Warner Brothers, ever heard of sexual harassment? Let's take a good look at this character; a horny, rapist skunk who's attracted to other species! NOT good for the kids. Plus, worse still, he's French.
 #4- Alan, from Josie and the Pussy Cats - How weak was this "Fred" clone? They even gave him an ascot, for crying out loud. Well, I knew Fred. I grew up with Fred. Fred was like a friend of  mine. Let me tell you something... you're no Fred.
 #3- Zan and Jana, the Wondertwins - How many times do we have to say it? Leave the crimefighting to the professionals! "Form of...  an idiot!"  They should have been voted out of the Hall of Justice a long time ago. There's no room for dead weight in this game.
#2- Kazoo, from the Flintstones - It's like "Hmmm, a miniature, green spaceman who appears only to Fred Flintstone isn't enough of a stretch.... I know!  Let's give him a snotty London accent!" Um, could I get a drug test from Hanna Barbera, please?
  #1- Scrappy Doo - And, really, who else COULD it be? This guy ruined Scooby Doo! Just came in and ruined it! Scrappy is the Yoko Ono of Saturday morning cartoons. I can't even talk about it anymore. It's too upsetting.

 
Americans vs Japanese      Back
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.  Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate  management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action. The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.  After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the  American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles.  Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus  for discovering the problem....
 

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational"      Back
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.  Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . .
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
 

Another Fight      Back
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie.  I just had another fight with my wife."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really?  Now that's a switch!  What did she say"?
Before Harvey had time to answer, his wife entered the bar and  swiftly interjected:
"I said: 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel'".
 

Carjacking - Suposedly True      Back
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required.... so get out of the car. The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four/five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly white woman....no charges were filed.
 

Top 20 sayings we'd like to see on those Office Inspirational Posters      Back
-Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
-If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
-Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
-Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
-Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
-A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
-Plagiarism saves time.
-If at first you don't succeed, try management.
-Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
-TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
-The beatings will continue until morale improves.
-Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
-We waste time, so you don't have to.
-Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
-Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
-A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
-When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
-INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
-Succeed in spite of management.
-Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
 

Fire Dogs      Back
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.  "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
 

Thoughts of Wisdom      Back
"To get something done, a committee should considt of no more than three people, two of whom are absent."
* Robert Copeland
"Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspcious."
* B. C. Forbes
"Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue."
* Roger C. Anderson
"There is a time in the life of every problem when it is big enough to see, yet small enough to solve."
* Mike Leavitt
"In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life.  It goes on."
* Robert Frost
"If you see a bandwagon, it's too late."
* Sir James Goldsmith
"The only limits are, as always, those of vision."
* James Broughton
"A consultant is someone who saves his client almost enough to pay his fee."
* Arnold H. Glasgow
"I wear my wife's eyeglasses because she wants me to see things her way."
* Jayson feinburg
"The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve
to collect."
* Sam Ewing
"Good friends are good for your health."
* Irwin Sarason
"Without music, life is a journey through a desert."
* Pat Conroy
"Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures."
* H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other."
* Laurence J. Peter
"Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom."
* Gen. George Patton
"The manner in which it is given is worth more than the gift."
* Pierre Corneille
"People can earn a living by accident; but learning to live is an art."
* Earl Work
"If you want to test your memory, try to remember what you were worrying about a year ago today."
* E. Joseph Cossman
"Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions."
* A. A. Latimer
"Knowledge is gained by learning; trust by doubt; skill by practice; and love by love."
* Thomas Szasz
"If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done."
* Michael S. Traylor
"Two important things are to have a genuine interest in people and to be kind to them. Kindness, I've discovered, is everything."
* Isaac Bashevis Singer
"I never learn anything talking.  I only learn things when I ask questions."
* Lou Holtz
"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."
* Elbert Hubbard
"A man's greatest strength develops at the point where he overcomes his greatest weakness."
* Elmer G. Letterman
"It's hard to detect good luck-It looks so much like something you've earned."
* Fred A. Clark
"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you."
* Elbert Hubbard
"There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house."
* Joe Ryan
"The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable."
* Paul Dean
"The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night's sleep."
* E. Joseph Cossman
"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."
* Mae West
"Those who agree with us may not be right but we admire their astuteness."
* Cullen Hightower
"What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork."
* Pearl Bailey
"A cloudy day is no match for a sunny disposition."
* William Arthur Ward
"If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies."
* Helen Castle
"If you want to truly understand something, try to change it."
* Kurt Lewis
"A stumble may prevent a fall."
* English proverb
"The moment of a victory is much too short to live for that and nothing else."
* Martina Navratilova
"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another."
* Walter Elliott
 

The Closet      Back
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever  her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It sure is dark in here, isn't it?
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the  little boy says firmly.
The man considers the position he is in for a moment. "Uh, I see. You're right, I do want to  buy the ball. How much?"
Twenty-five dollars," the little extortionist  replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously,  but then shakes his head and complies to  protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again,  places him in the closet with her little boy.
"It sure is dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy  asks.
"OK. How much this time?" the hiding lover  responds.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says,
"Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"What did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear about lizards and candy and preparing a lecture about how valuable the baseball and  glove were.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess  your sin and ask for forgiveness!" The father hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It sure is dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit again," says the priest.
 

The Genie      Back
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an Old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth  time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of  that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally,  he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I  don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand  women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when  they  give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what  they  really
want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly  happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
 

CEO      Back
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make  this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the  machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the  machine. "I just need one copy."
 

Polish Air Disaster     Back
Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326  bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
 

Mind Be Gone      Back
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost  completely gone!" Her husband looked up from the newspaper and  commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
 

The Baptism      Back
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our  guests." "I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are  you  prepared spiritually?" "Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of  beer and a case of whiskey."
 

Breast Milk      Back
A test in Life Science....... The student -- not necessarily a  well-prepared student -- sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.
The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his  head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary. Um. So far so good -- maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
 

Windy      Back
Two farmers were boasting about the strongest kind of wind they'd  seen."Out here in California," said one, "I've seen the fiercest wind in my life.You know these giant redwood trees? Well, the wind once got so strong, it bent them right down."
"That's nothing," said the other.
"Back on my farm in Iowa, we had a terrible wind one day that blew a hundred miles an hour. It was so bad one of my hens had her back turned to the wind and she laid the same egg six times."
 

I hate when this happens....      Back
Roger was a hard-working guy whose evenings were spent playing  volleyball and bowling. For his birthday, his wife took him to a strip  club. The bouncer at the door said,"Hi, Roger, good to see ya again.
"The wife asked, "Have you been here before?"
Roger said, "Oh no, he's on my bowling team!"
A waitress came to their table and said, "Hey Roger, the usual?"
The wife said, "Are you sure you've never been here before?"
"No, no, hon," Roger protested. "I know her from volleyball!"
A stripper came over, threw her arms around him and said, "Another  lapdance tonight, Roger?"
The wife leaped to her feet and stormed out. Roger followed, saw her  getting into a cab and leaped inside before she could slam the door.
Furious, she let him have it with both barrels. When she paused for  breath, the taxi driver said, "Boy, you picked up a real bitch tonight,  Roger!"
 

Haircuts     Back
Women's Version:
Woman 2:  Oh!  You got a haircut!  That's so cuuuuute!
Woman 1:  Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 2:  Oh no, it's perfect!  I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.  I'm pretty much stuck with this style, I think.
Woman 1:  Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable.  And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute on you. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long  neck.
Woman 2: Oh, now *that's* funny!  I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 1:  Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have your  shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you.  I mean, look at my arms see how short they are?  If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Woman 2:  Do you think so?  Oh, you're just saying that!
Woman 1:  No!  Really, I mean it...
 
Men's Version:
Man 2:  Haircut?
Man 1:  Ummhmm.
 
 
Messages that should be on buttons...      Back
1.  Who are these kids and why are they calling me dad?
2.  Do I look like a freakin' people person?
3.  A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
4.  This isn't an office.  It's Hell with floursescent lighting.
5.  I pretend to work.  They pretend to pay me.
6.  If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
7.  The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
8.  Errors have been made.  Others will be blamed.
9.  And just how may I screw you over today?
10.  If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil.
11.  Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
12.  Suburbia:  Where they tear out the trees and them name streets after them.
13.  Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14.  I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
15.  A cubicle is nothing more than a padded cell with a door.
16.  You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
17.  Not all people are annoying.  Some are dead.
18.  Anbivalent?  Well, yes and no.
19.  Everyone thinks I'm psychotic.  Except for my friends deep inside the earth.
20.  Earth is full.  Go home.
21.  I thought I wanted a career.  Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
22.  How do I set a laser printer to stun?
23.  I majored in English Literature.  Will that be for here or to go?
 

Subject:  5 Toughest Questions      Back
The 5 toughest questions that women ask men and the answers;
The questions are:
      1. What are you thinking about?
      2. Do you love me?
      3. Do I look fat?
      4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
      5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1:
What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
>> > >      a. Baseball.
>> > >      b. Football.
>> > >      c. How fat you are.
>> > >      d. How much prettier she is than you.
>> > >      e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
>> > >      (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
>> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question # 2:  Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is In order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
>> > >      a. I suppose so.
>> > >      b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
>> > >      c. That depends on what you mean by love.
>> > >      d. Does it matter?
>> > >      e. Who, me?
>> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question # 3:  Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
>> > >      a. Compared to what?
>> > >      b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
>> > >      c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
>> > >      d. I've seen fatter.
>> > >      e. Moo!
>> > >      f. Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
>> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question # 4:  Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
>> > >      a. Yes, but you have a better personality
>> > >      b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
>> > >      c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
>> > >      d. Define pretty
>> > >      e. Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
>> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question #5:  What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.  (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.")  No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
>> > >      WOMAN: Would you get married again?
>> > >      MAN:   Definitely not!
>> > >      WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
>> > >      MAN:   Of course I do.
>> > >      WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
>> > >      MAN:   Okay, I'd get married again.
>> > >      WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
>> > >      MAN:   Yes, I would.
>> > >      WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
>> > >      MAN:   Where else would we sleep?
>> > >      WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
>> > >      MAN:   That would seem like the proper thing to do.
>> > >      WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
>> > >      MAN:   She can't use them; she's left-handed.
 

Martian Sex      Back
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
 
 
A women desperately looking for work goes into Irwin.      Back
The Personel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.  The Personel Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo"  line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts. He takes  her down to
the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personel  Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After  screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personel Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of  marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of  fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sowing them between Elmo's legs. The personel managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself  together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.  What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
 
 
Proxy Father      Back
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off.  The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.  "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.  Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.  But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.  I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.  "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."  The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so.  I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.  People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too.  The mother was constantly squealing and yelling.  I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.  Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?".
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.  Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted !!"
 
 
I Did Not      Back
I DID NOT DO IT IN A CAR
I DID NOT DO IT IN A BAR
I DID NOT DO IT IN THE DARK
I DID NOT DO IT IN THE PARK
I DID NOT DO IT ON A DATE
I DID NOT EVER FORNICATE
I DID NOT DO IT AT A DANCE
I DID NOT GET INTO HER PANTS
I DID NOT GET BEYOND FIRST BASE
I DID NOT DO IT IN HER FACE
I NEVER DID IT IN A BED
IF YOU THINK THAT, YOU'RE MISLED
I DID NOT DO IT WITH A GROAN
I DID NOT DO IT ON THE PHONE
I DID NOT CAUSE HER DRESS TO STAIN
I NEVER BONKED SADDAM HUSSEIN
I DID NOT DO IT WITH A WHIP
I NEVER FONDLED LINDA TRIPP
I NEVER ACTED REALLY SILLY
WITH VOLUNTEERS LIKE KATHLEEN WILLEY
THERE WAS ONE TIME, WITH MARGARET THATCHER
I CHASED HER 'ROUND, BUT COULD NOT CATCH HER
NO KINKY STUFF, NOT ON YOUR LIFE
I WOULDN'T EVEN WITH MY WIFE
AND JENNIFER FLOWERS' TALE OF WOES
WAS PAID FOR BY MY RIGHT-WING FOES
AND PAULA JONES, AND THOSE STATE TROOPERS
THEY'RE JUST A BUNCH OF PARTY POOPERS
I DID NOT ASK MY FRIENDS TO LIE
I DID NOT HANG THEM OUT TO DRY
I DID NOT DO IT LAST NOVEMBER
BUT IF I DID, I DON'T REMEMBER
I DID NOT DO IT IN THE HALL
I COULD HAVE, BUT I DON'T RECALL
I NEVER DID IT IN MY STUDY
I NEVER DID IT WITH MY DOG, BUDDY
I NEVER DID IT TO SOX, THE CAT
I MIGHT HAVE, ONCE, WITH ARAFAT
I NEVER DID IT IN A HURRY
I NEVER GROPED MS. BETTY CURRIE
THERE WAS NO SEX AT ARLINGTON
THERE WAS NO SEX ON AIR FORCE ONE
I MIGHT HAVE COPPED A LITTLE FEEL
BUT NEVER DID THOSE THINGS SO LEWD
AT LEAST, NOT EVER IN THE NUDE
THESE THINGS TO WHICH I HAVE CONFESSED
THEY DO NOT COUNT, IF WE STAYED DRESSED
IT NEVER HAPPENED WITH A CIGAR
I NEVER DATED MRS. STARR
I DID NOT KNOW THIS LITTLE SIN
WOULD BE RETOLD ON CNN
I BROKE SOME RULES MY MAMA TAUGHT ME
I TRIED TO HIDE, BUT NOW YOU'VE CAUGHT ME
BUT I IMPLORE, I DO BESEECH
DO NOT CONDEMN, DO NOT IMPEACH
I MIGHT HAVE GOT A LITTLE TAIL
BUT NEVER, NEVER DID INHALE
 

Today's Top Story      Back
Democrats are considering changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because a condom stands up to inflation, halts
production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.
 

The Gravy Ladle:      Back
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help  noticing how attractive and shapely the
housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper
than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I  know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my
relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
   Love, John

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which went:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But
the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by  now.
   Love, Mom
 

Buckwheat & Darla      Back
Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."
Now spell "stupid".
Darla says "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands and says "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Buckwheat replies, "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."
 

Words of wisdom from Dilbert      Back
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you  know?
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would  explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow  into a parked car.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how  to get along without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have  a perception problem.
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one  finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
You're slower than a herd of turtles  stampeding through peanut butter.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
 

Computer Jargon      Back
Computer.
Instrument of torture.  The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist.  In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator.  The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU.
Central propulsion unit.  The CPU is the computer's engine.  It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning  wheel that's owered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's a Pentium and a ferret on speed if it's a Pentium II.

Default Directory.
Black hole.  Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

Error message.
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

File.
A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name.  It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware.
Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

Help.
What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.
 

Rent Payment      Back
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note: "Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1.      It had never been occupied;
2.      There was plenty of heat;
3.      It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply: "Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinintely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."
 
 
Iraqi Prime Time Television Schedule      Back
MONDAYS:
8:00  - Husseinfeld
8:30  - Mad About Everything
9:00  - Suddenly Sanctions
9:30  - The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
10:00 - Allah McBeal

TUESDAYS:
8:00  - Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30  - The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right
9:00  - Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things
9:30  - Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00  - U.S. Military Secrets Revealed
8:30  - When Kurds Attack
9:00  - Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah
9:30  - Just Shoot Me
10:00 - Veilwatch

THURSDAYS:
8:00  - Matima Loves Chachi
8:30  - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00  - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30  - My Two Baghdads
10:00 - Diagnosis: Heresy

FRIDAYS:
8:00  - Judge Saddam
8:30  - Funniest Super 8 Home Movies
9:00  - Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things
9:30  - Achmed's Creek
10:00 - No-witness News
 

Redneck Ode to his Valentine      Back
Kudzu is green,
my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv youanyway.

You're as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
I'm plumb outta my wits.

Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant
Upon which I oft' tread.

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it's a new ridin' mower.
 

Three Pints a Day     Back
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.  When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and  orders three more. The bartender tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.  The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
 

Christian Bear      Back
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do  some bear hunting.  As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside.  Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.  That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.
"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt.  Please forgive me and grant me just one wish .  . . please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"
That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet.
"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive . . ."

 
Five Great Lessons      Back
1.  Most Important Question
During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"  Surely this was some kind of joke.  I had seen the cleaning woman several times.  She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?  I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.  "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers you will meet many people.  All are significant.  They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile
and say 'hello'. "I've never fogotten that lesson.  I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2. Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 p.m. an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride.  Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.  A young white man stopped to help her - generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s.  The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxi cab.  She seemed to be in a big hurry!  She wrote down his address, thanked him and drove away.  Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door.  To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home.  A special note was attached.
It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes but my spirits.  Then you came along.  Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away.  God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole"

3.  Always remember Those Who Serve
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table.  A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?"
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it.  Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient.
"How much is plain ice cream?"
"Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely.
The little boy again counted the coins.  "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.  The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed. When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the talbe and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - her tip.

4. The Obstacle in our Path
In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway.  Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock.
Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it.  Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables.  On approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road.  After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded.  As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, henoticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been.  The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.  The peasant learned what many others never understand.  Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve one's condition.

5. Giving Blood
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Stanford Hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease.  Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5 year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the anitbodies needed to combat the illness.  The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the boy if  he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.  I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save Liz". As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.  He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice "Will I start to die right away?" Being young, the boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood.
 

The Elevator       Back
A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the  father  took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never  seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw!"
 

Wedding Night       Back
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My darring, I know dis you firt time and you  flighten... I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?"
"I wanna numma 69," she replies.
"You wanna beef with bloccoli?!"
 

The Reverend John Fuzz     Back
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he
happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The Reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the Reverend said sternly.  "This is no place for a member of my congregation.  Why don't you let me take you home?"
 "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she had to much to drink and he
grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the Reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar!"
The Reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, Well, hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."
 

Old Timer Sex      Back
There was this really old guy at an old timer's dance who hadn't  had any sex for a long time.  He'd been dancing with all the Grandmas all night and still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached an old woman and said, "I'm having no luck scoring with a woman.  How about coming back to my place for some sex. I'll give you 20 bucks."
She said "I'm willing.  Let's go!"
They got back to his place and after a bit of foreplay, they headed for the bedroom.  He loved the sex and couldn't get over how tight she was for such an old woman.  He swore to himself that she had to be a virgin. After the wonderful performance, he rolled off of her and said,
"Wow,Lady...If I had known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks."
Surprised, she said "If I had known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
 

Sign Language      Back
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. To do sign language, the man on the 3rd floor points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says,"What the fuck is wrong with you, dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"
The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."
 

You Are An 80's Child If      Back
- You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.
- You know what a "burnout" is.
- You wanted to be on StarSearch. (Come on, we all did)
- You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before  his nose fell off.  Or even when he had those freaky eyes in "Thriller" at the end
of the video.
- You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wrist bands at some point during your youth.
- You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on it's ass.
- You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."
- You HAD to have your MTV.
- You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off."
- You can name at least half of the members of the elite "Brat Pack."
- You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer."
- You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future."
- You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name."
- You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool. (Was there an 80's movie she WASN'T in?)
- You know what "Sike" means.
- You fell victim to 80's fashion: big hair, god-awful fashion plus accessories.
- You wanted to be a Goonie ("Goonies never say die.")
- You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie, but you couldn't see it because your parents wouldn't let you.
- You felt ashamed when Rob Lowe got in trouble for having sex with minors and videotaping it, because you liked him.
- You've heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
- You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince."
- You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to be.
- You ever wore flourescent -neon if you will clothing...(or nailpolish)
- You could breakdance, or wished you could.
- You know who Max Headroom is.
- You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system. (Remember Pong)
- You own any cassettes.
- You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
- You remember and/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from Pizza Hut.
- Poltergeist freaked you out.
- You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
- You wish you were alone now with Tiffany.
- You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
- You watched Jem religiously, desperately wanted those red flashy earings, wanted to communicate with some being named Cinergy, or you
 wanted green hair like that lead singer of the Misfits.
- You know what a Doozer is.
- You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.
- You ever had a Swatch Watch.
- You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the care-bear stare.
- You had a crush on one of the Coreys (Haim or Feldman).
- You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
- You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
- You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
- You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"(Damned straight!)
- You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
- You know what a "Whammee" is. ("No Whammy, no whammy, stop!!")
- Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend, are a"Child of the 80's."
 

Like A Pig Tail      Back
Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Ted  said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Ed said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Ted said.
"Straight, like normal," Ed said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Ted said.
Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" Ted said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal."
"Cripes," Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
 

Screwing      Back
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.  He's a  pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door,  the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby  replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.  Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I  hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately  revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out  the front door.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes  back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her  father:
"DAMMIT, DADDY!  THE TWIST!!  IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
 

The Senior Driver      Back
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I  just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
 

Death      Back
There were three guys that died and went to heaven.
The first went up and then God said, "You have committed adultery so you shall own a bike."
The second guy comes up and God says, "You have almost Committed adultery so you shall own a motorcycle."
The third guy goes up and then God says, "You have only thought about adultery so you shall get a Porsche!"
The first guy comes up to the man in the Porsche and starts laughing and the man in the Porsche asks, "Why are you laughing? You only got a bike!"
The guy on the bike says, "I just saw your wife on a skateboard!"
 

Intelligent Life      Back
Two aliens landed in the desert. They walked until they came to an old gas station. One of the aliens walked up to one of the gas pumps and said, "Take us to your leader." Of course, the pump did nothing. The alien again demanded, "Take us to your leader!" Again, nothing.
The alien became upset and whipped out his ray-gun. "Take us to your  leader, or I'll zap you!"  The other alien yelled, "NO! NO! NO!DON'T!!"  But, it was too late, and the first alien zapped the gas pump. The gas pump blew up, and the aliens were blown miles away. When they came to, the first alien asked the second alien how he knew that he shouldn't  zap the "earthling."  The second alien said, "With all of the galaxies I've traveled to and worlds I've visited, I've learned that anyone  who can wrap his penis around his body and stick it in his ear is someone you DON'T want to mess with!"
 

Mischeivous Brothers      Back
There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the rabbi to talk with the boys and he agreed. The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the younger to the rabbi. The rabbi sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the rabbi pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, then said nothing. Again, louder, the rabbi pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked,  "Young man, I ask you, where is God?" The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble." The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"  His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG trouble. God is missing and they think we did it !!!"
 

The Anniversary      Back
As they cut the cake for their 75th anniversary, the old man nuzzled the old lady's ear and whispered:  "Darling, there's something I've wanted to ask you all these years.  Our eleventh child never did look like his brothers and sisters.  Did he have a different father?"
The old lady lowered her eyes and murmured, "Yes dear, he did."  The old man just stood there for a while without saying a word.  Finally, he asked, "Who was it?" The old lady said softly, "You, dear."
 

51 Days      Back
Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots. They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they  pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell " Only 51 days!" The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking  about  and asks them what they mean by Only 51 days. One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug. "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us Only 51Days.....and on the box  it said 4-7 years"
 

Urban Legends      Back
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.  So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over.  When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said  "Call 911!"  But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around.  His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.  I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).  So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.  And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.
 

Things You'll Hear Only in the South...      Back
Exclamations...
 "Well, knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
 "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
 
Threats...
 "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
 "This'll jar your preserves."
 "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

 Good Things/Compliments...
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
 "Gooder than grits."

The Weather...
 "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
 "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
 Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot "

 Descriptions...
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
He ran "like his feet was on fire and his ass was a-catchin"
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

 Insults...
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
 (any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart)
 
 
Things Not to Say at Victoria's Secret      Back
     #10    Does this come in children's sizes?
     #9     No Thanks.  Just Sniffing.
     #8     I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
     #7     Mom will love this.
     #6     Oh the size won't matter.  She's inflatable.
     #5     No need to wrap it up.  I'll eat it here.
     #4     Will you model this for me???
     #3     The Miracle What???  This is better than world peace!!
     #2     45 bucks??  You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
     And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
     #1     Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

 
Chinese Ebonics      Back
Are you harboring a fugitive?(Hu Yu Hai Ding?)
Approach me. (Kum Hia)
Stupid Fellow (Dum Gai)
Small horse ( Tai Ni Poni)
Prices are too high here ( No Bai Dam Ting)
Miami vacationing agreed with you (Ya Mai Ti Tan)
I bumped into a coffee table ( Ai Bang Mai Ni)
Have you considered a face lift? (Chin Tu Fat)
You try saving electricity? (Wai So Dim?)
Unauthorized execution (Lin Ching)
Inquiry to determine if bus is due ( Hao Long Wei Ting?)
Plaything belonging to ancient emperor (Ming Toy)
You're blowing your diet ( Wai Yu Mun Ching?)
Keep out of the pond ( Noh Wei Ding)
Tow-away zone ( No Pah King)
Don't you know anything by Cole Porter? ( Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?)
You are not very bright ( Yu So Dum)
I have a press pass (Ai No Pei)
I don't deserve the death penalty ( Wai Hang Mi?)
You're suffering from chronic halitosis ( Yu Bai Sen Sen Nao)
Remain out of sight ( Lei Lo)
Cleaning automobile (Wa Shing Cah)
Did someone fertilize the field? ( Hu Flung Dung?)
Your body odor is offensive (Shu Man Go)
They are approaching ( Hia Dei Kum)
 

Whales       Back
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the  same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
The female was reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with you on the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"
 

Butticons      Back
 (_!_)      a regular ass
(__!__)    a fat ass
(!)        a tight ass
(_._)      a flat ass
(_^_)      a bubble ass
 (_*_)      a sore ass
(_!__)     a lop-sided ass
{_!_}      a swishy ass
(_o_)      an ass that's been around
(_O_)     an ass that's been around even more
(_x_)     kiss my ass
(_X_)     leave my ass alone
(_zzz_)    a tired ass
(_o^o_)   a wise ass
(_E=mc2_)   a smart ass
(_13_)     an unlucky ass
(_$_)     Money coming out of his ass
(_?_)   Dumb Ass
 

Dog Property Laws     Back
  1. If I like it, it's mine.
  2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
  3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
  4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
  5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
  6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
  7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
  8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
  9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
 10. If it's broken, it's yours.
 
 HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
  1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
  2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
  3. Both mark their territory.
  4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
  5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
  6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
  7. Neither does any dishes.
  8. Both fart shamelessly.
  9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
 10. Both like dominance games.
 11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
 12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
 
  HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
  1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
  2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
  3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
  4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
  5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
  6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.) [Hey ladies, we men just laugh lovingly at how adorable you look when you throw... as long as it's not a shoe.]
  7. You can train a dog.
  8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
  9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
 10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
 11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
 
 TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
 10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
  9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
  8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
  7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
  6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
  5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
  4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog [The author doesn't know *my* dog.]
  3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
  2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
  1. A dog does not shop.
 
 LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:
  1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
  2. Don't go out without ID.
  3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
  4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
  5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
  6. Always give people a friendly greeting.  A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
  7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
 8.  If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
 

Horse and Chickens      Back
Once upon a time there were a horse and a chicken who were good friends.  They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy.  One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran away. The chicken ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's >> > > 633csi BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear.  It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and  threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!"  The chicken just said, " don't mention it -That's what friends are for!!" They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barnyard.
A few days later, the horse got up from a goodnight's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene: There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope insight. And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW.  What to do? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my dick and I will pull you to safety!"  With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-dick and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe.  The chicken slumped down on the ground,exhausted: "Now You saved my life, my friend!!" The horse just smiled.
And what is the moral of this story?
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
 

Things to think about:      Back
If you play a blank tape at full blast, would a mime go nuts?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $-.-- per minute.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe  is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?  It sounds like a near hit!!
Why are there - syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
When you erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Tell a man that there are --- billion stars and he'll believe you.  Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of  progress?
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If you go to a bookstore and ask the salesperson, "Where's the self-help section?" wouldn't that defeat the purpose?
 

The Drinker      Back
An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night.  The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing.  So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.  He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell again -- right on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results. Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him, shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?"  He asked as he put on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
 

God      Back
Two men having a conversation:
First Man:  "When did you realize you where God?"
Second Man:  "Well, every night I would pray to God.  After awhile I realized I was talking to myself."
"I see!"  said the psychiatrist.
 

Proverbs     Back
A 4th grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest.  Here is what the kids came up with:
Better to be safe than........................................punch a 5th grader
Strike while the...................................................bug is close.
It's always darkest before.................................daylight savings time
Never underestimate the power of..................termites.
You can lead a horse to water but ..................how?
Don't bite the hand that.....................................looks dirty.
No news is...........................................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a.......................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog...............................math.
If you lie down with dogs, you........................will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust......................................................me.
The pen is mightier than...................................the pigs.
An idle mind is...................................................the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's..........................pollution.
Happy is the bride who....................................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is..............................................not much.
Two is company, three's..................................The Musketeers.
None are so blind as.........................................Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not...................spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed............................get new batteries.
You get out of something what you..............see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind........................get out of the way.
There is no fool like..........................................Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and ....you have to blow your nose.

 
An 80's Love Story      Back
I was working part time in a five and dime.  My boss was Mr. Magee. He was six foot four and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I was happy to be stuck with him.  One manic Monday, while I was busy working for the weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper. He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name. Well, I got so emotional, baby.  I told him to say say say what he wants, but don't play games with my affection.  He told me it was hard for him to say he's sorry and not to worry, to be happy.  Then he blamed it on the rain.  He was so out of touch.  It just took my breath away.  I couldn't fight this feeling any longer.  I asked him "What's love got to do with it?" He told me to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car. So I figured I might as well jump.  I cut footloose, went home and called my girl, Jenny.  (You already know the number)  She was on the other line with Amanda.  They were talking about Mickey and how he was so fine.  That blew my mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I had just called to say I love her. She told me she had been saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a new love - asta la vista, baby.  I thought "I can't go for that - no can do! Bring me a higher love!"  I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would want to get physical all night long (all night).  First I called Billie Jean - she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna - her sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me.  Come on, Eileen! ... no answer.  Nobody told me there'd be days like these!  I was feeling like the owner of a lonely heart. Then, out of the blue, my best friend's girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls.  Yes, the real Roxanne.  She told me she still hadn't found what she's looking for and that she wanted to take on me.  I said "I thought you were Jessie's girl."  She said "Don't you want me? You don't have to put on the red light - I'm on my own." What a feeling! I had the eye of the tiger.  Who was I f-f-f-foolin?  Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else. She's a beauty! She blinded me with science, and weird science at that. There was always something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I'd have the time of my life. I wasn't about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind set on her.  When I got to her house (in the middle of her street) I ran.  I rapped on her front door and to this rapper's delight, i heard a voice say "Who can it be now?" "Here I am, the one that you love", I replied.  I let my love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes.  I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time. She loosened her blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!"  Well, I felt it was my prerogative to bust a move.  I told her "I'll tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf. Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder.  "Turn around bright eyes!"  said a familiar voice.  As I did, Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right round like a record. He was hangin' tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my wings - broken wings by this time.  He rocked me tonight, for old time's sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. "You don't owe me money for nothing!" he snarled.  At this point I was livin' on a prayer.  I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a knife - how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn.  No longer do I want to know what love is.  Love stinks.
 

Sick Sayings      Back
Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.
Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If you can read this, please flip me back over...
Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.
Feel safe tonight ... Sleep with a cop.
Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
GUYS: No shirt, no service.  GALS: No shirt, no charge.
If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut??
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
Axe me about Ebonics
Boldly going nowhere
Cat: The other white meat
CAUTION - Driver legally blonde
Don't be sexist - broads hate that!
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition. Actually the correct saying should be "Driver only carries $20 in ammunition, WARNING!  That's all he needs."
What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted
 

Golf      Back
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man. You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
 

Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks      Back
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to *bruise* the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...  no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one*s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can*t hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say *yes* to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
 

Ships      Back
The following is a transcript of a night time radio conversation between a U.S. Naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
US NAVY SHIP:"Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid collision"
CANADIAN REPLY: " Recommend you divert Your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision"
US NAVY SHIP:"This is the Captain of The U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course"
CANADIAN REPLY: No, I say again, divert YOUR course"
US NAVY SHIP:"This is the aircraft carrier USS Missouri. We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!"
CANADIAN REPLY:"This is a lighthouse......Your call"
 

Three Women Golfing      Back
Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods.  She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a
trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes..".  The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank
you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or
better! The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world...The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him..." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me...".  So, poof - she's
the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you..".  The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine...". So, poof - she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack..."
 

God and Women      Back
When God created woman, she had 3 breasts.  He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"
She replied,  "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?"
And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclained as she was holding that third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"
So God created man.
 

Say This      Back
It has been brought to the Executive Committee's attention that some associates have been using foul language during the course of conversations with managers.  Due to complaints received from some managers, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your thoughts and feelings when communicating with managers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases is being provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without the risk of offending the more sensitive managers.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with ...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in that file.
INSTEAD OF: Its not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?!?!
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die motherfucker.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fire me if you want but I'm not fucking doing it.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!!!!
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think it would help if you reviewed the case law on this issue.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
 
 

SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT....      Back
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice? Because it said "concentrate"
Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to retrain.
What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.
Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.
What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4-way stop
What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.
What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This goes in front"
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? "OH, LOOK !! Donut seeds!!"
 

Top 10 Ways Microsoft Would Change The Auto Business      Back
10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
8. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced bya single 'General Car Fault' warning light.
6. Sun Motor Systems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought aCar95 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.
3. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept
this as normal.
2. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.
1. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other car makers for years!
 

What Did You Say?      Back
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."
 

English      Back
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.
"We need to talk" = I need to complain.
"Sure go ahead" = I don't want you to.
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"You're so manly" =  You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs.
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep.
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like.
"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me.
"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead.]
"Was that the baby?" = Your turn to get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
"I'm not yelling!"  =  I am yelling because I think this is Important.
"The same old thing" = Nothing
"Nothing" = Everything
"Nothing, really" = It's just that you're such an asshole.

MEN'S ENGLISH:
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you, and I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) "I like that one better."  = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
 

Getting Even With The Nerds      Back
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.  The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
 

Computer Gender      Back
A pastor of a church had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that ships are addresses as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two group of computer experts.
The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computer
should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendations.
The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
    1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
    2. The have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
    3. The are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
    1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
    3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
 

Boob      Back
When God created woman, she had 3 breasts.  He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"
She replied,  "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?"
And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"
So God created man.
 

Try Saying...      Back
It has been brought to the Executive Committee's attention that some associates have been using foul language during the course of conversations with managers.  Due to complaints received from some managers, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your thoughts and feelings when communicating with managers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases is being provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without the risk of offending the more sensitive managers.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with ...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in that file.
INSTEAD OF: Its not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?!?!
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die motherfucker.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fire me if you want but I'm not fucking doing it.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!!!!
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think it would help if you reviewed the case law on this issue.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
 

Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's      Back
22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors.
4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his  ideas into a matrix.
2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:
1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
 

Men and Woman      Back
There are beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
 

Redneck Medical Terms      Back
Benign............................What you be after you be eight.
Artery.............................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..........................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium...........................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan..........................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize........................Made eye contact with her.
Colic..............................A sheep dog.
Coma.............................A punctuation mark.
D&C.............................Where Washington is.
Dilate..............................To live long.
Enema............................Not a friend.
Fester.............................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula..............................A small lie.
Genital............................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series.......................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.........................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.........................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff..................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid...........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..........................Cheaper than day rates.
Node..............................I knew it.
Outpatient.......................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear......................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis..............................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative................A letter carrier.
Recovery Room..............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum...........................Damn near killed him.
Secretion........................Hiding something
Seizure...........................Roman emperor.
Tablet............................A small table.
Terminal Illness..............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor............................More than one.
Urine..............................Opposite of you're out
Varicose.........................Near by/close by
 

Top 10 Signs Your Dog Is More Intelligent Than You      Back
10. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day
9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room
8. Ice floating in toilet water
7. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep
6. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing plant
5. You can never find the leftovers
4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel
3. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job.
2. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover"
1. Your apartment keys no longer work
 

From November 1998 issue of Maxim magazine      Back
If men really ruled the world:
-Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
-Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
-Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
-When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
-Breaking up would be a lot easier.  A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
-Birth control would come in ale or lager.
-You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of  people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
-Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
-The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
-"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
-At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd  jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and  right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
-It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on  horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
-Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
-Tanks would be far easier to rent.
-Garbage would take itself out.
-Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
-Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
-Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
-On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
-St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
-Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
-Two words: Ally McNaked.
-Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
-The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
-The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
-It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
-Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
-When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you  responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
 Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
 You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
 Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
-Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
-The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
-People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
-Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
-Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation
 

Actual label instructions      Back
Actual label instructions on consumer goods - examples of why the human race has evolved as far as we have:
On Sears hairdryer:
    Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
    You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
    Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
    Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
    Fits one head. (The big one or the little one?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box)
    Do not turn upside down. (Too late!  You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
    Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure???  Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
    Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
    Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just keep those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
    Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
    Warning keep out of children. (Or pets!  What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
    For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a Japanese food processor:
    Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
    Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
    Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (have a lobotomy)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
    Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's Superman costume:
    Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
 

You Know...      Back
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY TOO LONG WHEN:
    -Your potted plants stay alive.
    -Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
    -You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
    -6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
    -You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
    -You carry an umbrella.
    -You watch the Weather Channel.
    -Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
    -You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
    -Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
    -You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't turn down the stereo.
    -Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
    -You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
    -Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
    -You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
    -Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
    -You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
    -Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
    -MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
    -You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
    -A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
    -You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
    -Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi,and Ho-Ho's.
    - "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
    -Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
    -You don't get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a bar.
 

This Couple      Back
There's this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go up and take a shower....so the guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out to the upstairs bathroom window,
"Where's the rake?" She can't hear him, so he points to his eye [I], points to his knee [need] and then makes raking motions.
"What?" she yells.
So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like she gets it and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her ass and then rubs her crotch. Her husband is somewhat confused, but totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom.
"What did you say?"
She says, "I said: eye, left tit, behind, the bush.
 

Adam and Eve      Back
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, " 'What is a 'caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "'Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
 

Betting Old Lady      Back
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.
"Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:
"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.  The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada president's balls in my hand."
 

Four Catholic ladies      Back
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."
 

Prison and Work      Back
IN PRISON    You spend the majority of your time in a 8 X 10 cell.
AT WORK    You spend most of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle.
IN PRISON    You get three meals a day.
AT WORK    You only get a break for 1 meal, and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON    You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK    You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON    A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK    You must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON    You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK    You can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON    You get your own toilet.
AT WORK    You have to share.
IN PRISON    They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK    You cannot even speak to your family and friends
IN PRISON    All expenses are paid by tax payers with little or no work required.
AT WORK    You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON    You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK    You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON    There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK    Ditto, but they are called Managers.
 

The Rules      Back
THE RULES
1.  The female always makes the rules.
2.  The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3.  No male can possibly know all the rules.
4.  If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5.  The female is never wrong.
6.  If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said.
7.  If rule #6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8.  The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9.  The male must never change his mind without expressed written consent from the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must never, under any circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
14. If the female has pms, all rules are null and void.

THE RULES
1.  The male creates all the rules.
2.  These rules are just like driving, no female will ever master them.
3.  If the male suspects the female knows some of the rules, just agree with her and laugh it off. (She doesn't have a clue.)
4.  The male is always king.
5.  When watching television, the male always controls the remote.
6.  When driving on trips, the male is allowed to take any short cuts without getting permission, or asking directions.
7.  While watching sporting events, the male is not to be interrupted unless there is food or beer involved.
8.  Whenever the male changes clothes, where they fall is where they belong.
9.  When a male has a day off, there are no rules.
10. The female will never truly understand male bonding.
 

To My Darling...      Back
TO MY DARLING WIFE:
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of about once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
49 times the sheets were clean; 17 times it was too late; 44 times you were too tired; 9 times you had a headache; 15 times it was too hot; 5 times it was too cold; 15 times you pretended to be asleep; 4 times you had a mud pack on; 10 times you had a headache; 9 times you had a backache; 5 times you had a toothache; 7 times you were sunburned; 38 times you weren't in the mood; 7 times you had the giggles; 9 times the baby was crying; 3 times you were too full; 5 times you said you were too sore;
19 times you had to get up early; 3 times you said the neighbours would hear us; 9 times you said your mother would hear us;
11 times you had to go to the bathroom; 17 times you were afraid of waking the children; 6 times you were watching the late show; 3 times there was company in the house; 6 times you didn't want to mess your hair and 12 times it was the wrong time of the month...
and Of those 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory as 2 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling; 5 times you chewed gum the whole time; 4 times you watched TV over my shoulder; 18 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with; 6 times I had to wake you up and tell you we were through and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DARLING HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat; 36 times you didn't come home at all; 21 times you didn't come; 33 times you came too soon; 19 times you went soft before you got it in; 10 times your toes were in a cramp; 38 times you worked too late; 29 times you had to get up early and play golf; 2 times you were in a fight and got kicked in the balls; 4 times you had a cold and your nose kept running; 2 times your coffee was too hot and you burned your tongue; 2 times you had a splinter in your finger; 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day; 98 times you were too busy watching football on TV and;
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book.
Of the times we did it together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and you were fucking the sheets; I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" And the time you felt me move
was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
 

Only In America...      Back
Only in America. . . can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America. . . are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America. . . do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
Only in America. . . do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.
Only in America. . . do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America. . . do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage.
Only in America. . . do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America. . . do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America. . . do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well, "Poli" in latin meaning  "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".
Only in America. . . do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!
Only in America. . . do we have Walmarts (K Mart) that are open 24 hours with locks on the doors.
 

Travel Stories      Back
The following are (supposedly) actual stories provided by travel agents:
    A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
    I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
    A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He
replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
    I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
    Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
    A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
    A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage
that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
    I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
    A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
    A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
    A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
 

Travel Agency Terminology      Back
TOUR GUIDE TERM     ...........     TRANSLATION
Old world charm .......................Room and a path
Tropical ....................................Rainy
Majestic setting .........................A long way from town, at end of dirt road
Options galore ..........................Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ...................Directions to locate unclear
Some budget rooms ..................Sorry, already occupied
Explore on your own .................At your own expense
Knowledgeable trip hosts ..........They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ............................No extras
Nominal fee ..............................Outrageous charge
Standard ...................................Sub-standard
Deluxe ......................................Barely Standard
Superior accommodations..........One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap
All the amenities ........................Two chocolates, two shower caps
Plush ........................................Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes
Gentle breezes ..........................In hurricane alley
Light and airy ............................No air conditioning
Picturesque ...............................Theme park nearby
24-hour bar ...............................Ice cubes at additional cost (when available)
 

Golf Lesson      Back
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatsoever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball
toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great!  NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
 

The Frog and the Hamster      Back
A mangy looking guy who went into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender said: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."  The guy said, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a
drink?"
The bartender said, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué."
"Deal!" said the guy and reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a hamster. He put the hamster on the bar and it ran to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumped on the key board and started playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster was really good.
The bartender said, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."
The guy downed the drink and asked the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle - else no drink", said the bartender.
The guy reached into his coat again and pulled out a frog. He put the frog on the bar, and the frog started to sing. He had a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar ran over to the guy and offered him $300 for the frog.
The guy said "It's a deal."  He took the three hundred and gave the stranger the frog. The stranger ran out of the bar. The bartender said to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", said the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
 

Teethbrush      Back
Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush.  It was decided that the brush was invented in Maine. Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion.  They all agree it was simple deduction, "if it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."
 

Adam      Back
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news.  "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, The Lord  explained, "I've got two new organs for you.One is called a brain. It  will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.
The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you  to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."